doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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