What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
