and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
