His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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