I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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