ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
