if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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