i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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