Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
