found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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