I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
