This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
