apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
