Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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