Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
