he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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