i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
