i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
