I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
