I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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