so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
