The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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