My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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