There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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