you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
