Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
