sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
