So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
