If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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