this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
