Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
