Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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