So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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