it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
