just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
3 2 1 whiskey
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The ass gains better be worth it
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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