There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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