I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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