If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
should my penis look like a turkey
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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