Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Apparently you make a good broom.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
