my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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