I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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