I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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