after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
