They should really pass out barf bags in church
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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