i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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