Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
