Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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