omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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