So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
