it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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