I wish I could punch you in the face.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
